Decisions and Memories

Dealing with grief and the loss of someone you love changes the way you approach daily life and especially the holidays. Not just the "major Hallmark" holidays, but the ones which are special to those who remain behind. Like a wedding anniversary.

Dad passed away in May and August 15th was the first anniversary Mom would be facing alone without Dad. What do we do? Now Mom and Dad were never big on celebrating anniversaries but it took a different spin now that he is not here. Last year, after they moved to Arizona, we had an impromptu family party in the hall at the Retirement apartment complex Mom lives in. Looking back, it was a good thing we did.

So this year, my husband, my sister and her husband and I took Mom out for a casual dinner at Marie Calendar's Restaurant. It was apparent that this made the day easier for her. She dressed up and seemed relieved to know we recognized this day was a tough one for her. I told her that we had flowers put at Dad's niche today as a rememberance of the anniversary. She seemed genuinely touched.

It's not hard to think of Dad every day. Sometimes with regret at lost time, sometimes with laughter at memories of things that were said or done, sometimes with a deep and profound sense of loss. You just know nothing will ever be the same again.

How do people get through dealing with all the feelings of guilt - should have spent more time, should have talked more about this, should have cooked that meal he loved, should have - but then you have to tell yourself, if you could have you would have. You did the best you could. Now the best thing you can do is to keep his memory alive.

A couple of books that I have read which really helped are listed on this page. They were a good place to start.

I've been working on a photo album and some scrapbooks. I found that there are a lot of great companies which do scrapbooking materials. One of them is Scrapbooks.Com. I also found a local scrapbook store where they were helpful in helping me just get started. There are a lot of ways to memorialize someone. One thing I wished I'd done was write down all the stories Dad told - he had some good ones. Then perhaps I could have made a personalized journal. I did do a tribute to Dad at Legacy.com. They also have obituaries from most major papers and you can have an online guest book.

The little saplings we had at Dad's memorial are now growing according to all the people who have planted them. What I really want to do is get a picture of the trees from everyone that has them and note where they are and put them in the album for Mom.

What I have found is very helpful is coming up with ideas on remembering Dad - it seems like it draws everyone in the family closer together. I also have already found myself helping others who needed a little "push" thinking about what they could do for their lost ones.

I think Dad would be pleasantly surprised.