Sorting it out, giving it up, trying to move on

Mom has been talking about it for a while. We were going to get together with her to do it, but she did it on her own. She had the difficult task of going through Dad's clothing. I can only imagine the memories and thoughts that consumed her when she was taking things out of drawers and off of hangers. Old clothes with memories associated with them, the "Johnny Carson" suit that Mom bought him when she worked at Buffums. The blue suit that Dad wears on many special occasions, captured in photos of special events. The new pants and shirts she bought him so that while he was confined to a wheel chair and in an assisted living home, he would still look nice. Mom took great pride in making sure Dad dressed well. He may not have been stylish - we could not get him to wear polo shirts, jeans or even a different type of fabric of slacks - we all kidded about it, but Mom made sure he always looked good.

She told me that she sorted out some of the special things she thought one of us would want. She kept the grey cardigan sweater which he always wore with his English cap, the one we had at the memorial service next to a picture of Dad wearing that outfit with Mom. Holding his "cabbage cane" I got for him on the Isle of Guernsey in the English channel. I thought it was unique, just like Dad, and brought it back for him a long time ago.

She had a catch in her voice while she talked about it. It makes his passing even more real. It's hard for me, I can't imagine what it is like for her.

She did want to make sure that the clothes went to someone who could really use them, someone whose life it might help to change. She called up Sunshine Acres and arranged for them to pick up his clothes. They did it today.

Mom told Gary the story about what it took to get the clothes bagged up and ready. She put plastic bags in her grocery cart and filled them with clothes. Carefully sorting out by the type of clothing. When she tried to lift the clothing out of the cart, she found it was too heavy. She had to lay the cart on it's side and slowly tug it out. I can imagine Mom sitting of the floor, exertion is hard for her, pulling the bags out of the cart. The difficulty in doing the task reflects how difficult it was to do the sorting. Sitting on the floor must have been the same as bringing someone down to their knees with grief, pieces of your loved one's life being sorted and given away. Much like your heart was given in the first place, when the receiver is taken away, so goes your heart - after so many years it leaves a terrible void.

A shirt, pants, shoes and socks may not make the man, but they dressed the man. A man who left his own mark on our lives, a man who is never far from our thoughts, a man whose passing has left a void. Perhaps the passing of his clothing will bring a new chapter to someone else's life. Perhaps this is another way Dad can live on.

Thanksgiving - There's an empty seat at our table.

We made it through Father's Day, their anniversary and his birthday. Now come the holidays where even though there will be a crowd, the table will seem empty. Dad always enjoyed the meals with family. Sometimes he'd grumble about how much food was on his plate. Especially as he got older. He'd always complain that was one way to ruin an appetite.

Could have been Gary's toffee that did it or the before dinner "treats" we laid out. He loved visiting with everyone and always had a story to tell - it may have been one we'd heard before but it seemed like it always had a different spin on it.

Last year we took some family pictures. We all tried to do it casually around his wheelchair but you could tell he wasn't feeling up to par. He and Mom had to ride over in the ambulance and then it seemed like it came to get them too soon. Somehow, in my gut, I felt that his time was getting limited. Time - life just steals it from us. I wonder if anyone ever felt they had enough time to share with those they love?

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. We have plenty to be thankful for, but it will be bittersweet just the same.

Take five minutes, call someone you've meant to call - just say Hi and savor the fact that you can.

Hi Dad...

Anniversaries and Voices from the Past

The 4 month anniversary of Dad's death just passed. It was a weird day. I had gone to listen to my voice mail and there was a message that was to be aged off. I listened to it and it was Dad's voice, on the anniversary of his death! It was a message I had saved where Dad had called the house and in his usual sardonic wit had left a message for my birthday and then he and Mom broke into song with "Happy Birthday". It always makes me smile remembering those calls and hearing this was bittersweet.

We picked up Mom today to go to lunch and she started laughing heartily about something that happend in the shower...she said she didn't know why but she started to remember a song Dad used to sing that she thinks he learned from his parents. One of those silly little songs that were prevelent in the 30's and 40's but which she could only remember a line of ....we laughed and then it brought Mom to more memories of Dad.

She has been worried this past week as her eyesight seems to be getting a little worse and her pacemaker has given her some problems. Appears she had an "episode" on August 27th. I reminded her that was the day I called her from California where she said she had felt a little off. I think that the fact she is tired and gets dizzy makes her mad. Since she is such a positive thinker, I dont' think she correlates the fact that Dad died has put additional strain on her, even some depression. She's such a trooper though. I know it is hard - that's why we try and see her as much as we can but also why I call her every morning and evening just to "check in". I think it relieves her. I know it does me.

I wonder if the anniversary of the death of a loved one is like a newborn child...eventually you stop saying "months" and just go to years when talking about the date.

I hope Dad keeps sending those signs and signals to us. We need them.

Bracelets, Thoughts and Prayers

I saw a bracelet in the store
The words embraced me - they reminded me of you
It was like I was meant to find the bracelet

I read the message that was attached
Love - Remember - Forever
It had a heart with filigree

In that bracelet I felt all that you meant to me

I miss you Dad
I wish I could talk to you again
Maybe I am right now

Can you hear us and see us?
I wish I knew what your last thoughts were
I pray that they were peaceful
You deserved that

Birthday Wishes

I ran across this website about creating rituals during holidays to help with the grieving process. I thought today, being my birthday, was an appropriate day to share this information. I love cards and gifts as much as the next person, but I think that the best gift I could have received was to have Dad still with us on my birthday. Next month is his birthday.

Maybe if instead of gifts we all could encourage each other to donate to Dad's causes, the Paradise Genealogical Society so that other's could find out more about their loved ones that have passed, or to any of the Parkinson's Disease organizations or perhaps to an organization that helps prevent or find a cure for diseases or afflictions that touches someone else, it would help make the legacy of our loved one grow.

Flowers die when cut, people die when cut down in life due to either a crime, an accident, a disease or just "advanced age". We can regrow flowers or choose not to cut them and let them die out on their own. Our loved ones can be remembered by supporting a charity or organization that either promotes their interests or helps in finding cures or treatments for their afflictions. They then continue to grow in theory. How great is that?

Give a gift in the name of someone you love, whether they are still here or gone.

Do you know what they want?

When looking through sites for planning Dad's services, I came across Evergreen Funeral Home in Wisconsin web site. What intrigued me was that they had an advance planning form on their site that was easy to use just as it is or use it as a base for one you come up with to share with your family. Some people never have conversations about their final plans, some only touch on the fact that they do or do not want a funeral, they may want cremation or they could have it all detailed out. We talked about final plans in our family, but once you begin the process, it is amazing how many other things that come up that you didn't think of.

If you look at this form it has some great ideas such as "what I have liked/disliked at other people's services", scriptures that have meaning, what I want people to know about me and more.

I think it is great to have a conversation about these things but to have something in writing accomplishes so much more. For example, there can be no question about what they told one family member and/or their interpretation of it.

I printed one of these out and talked about it with Mom. I gave her a copy and told her when she felt like it to jot stuff down. We talked about how confusing it was planning Dad's cremation and how he had talked about different things at times to different people. We talked about how this will make sure that she gets the last word in what is done for her - and she can have the last word in how she will be remembered when the time comes.

Decisions and Memories

Dealing with grief and the loss of someone you love changes the way you approach daily life and especially the holidays. Not just the "major Hallmark" holidays, but the ones which are special to those who remain behind. Like a wedding anniversary.

Dad passed away in May and August 15th was the first anniversary Mom would be facing alone without Dad. What do we do? Now Mom and Dad were never big on celebrating anniversaries but it took a different spin now that he is not here. Last year, after they moved to Arizona, we had an impromptu family party in the hall at the Retirement apartment complex Mom lives in. Looking back, it was a good thing we did.

So this year, my husband, my sister and her husband and I took Mom out for a casual dinner at Marie Calendar's Restaurant. It was apparent that this made the day easier for her. She dressed up and seemed relieved to know we recognized this day was a tough one for her. I told her that we had flowers put at Dad's niche today as a rememberance of the anniversary. She seemed genuinely touched.

It's not hard to think of Dad every day. Sometimes with regret at lost time, sometimes with laughter at memories of things that were said or done, sometimes with a deep and profound sense of loss. You just know nothing will ever be the same again.

How do people get through dealing with all the feelings of guilt - should have spent more time, should have talked more about this, should have cooked that meal he loved, should have - but then you have to tell yourself, if you could have you would have. You did the best you could. Now the best thing you can do is to keep his memory alive.

A couple of books that I have read which really helped are listed on this page. They were a good place to start.

I've been working on a photo album and some scrapbooks. I found that there are a lot of great companies which do scrapbooking materials. One of them is Scrapbooks.Com. I also found a local scrapbook store where they were helpful in helping me just get started. There are a lot of ways to memorialize someone. One thing I wished I'd done was write down all the stories Dad told - he had some good ones. Then perhaps I could have made a personalized journal. I did do a tribute to Dad at Legacy.com. They also have obituaries from most major papers and you can have an online guest book.

The little saplings we had at Dad's memorial are now growing according to all the people who have planted them. What I really want to do is get a picture of the trees from everyone that has them and note where they are and put them in the album for Mom.

What I have found is very helpful is coming up with ideas on remembering Dad - it seems like it draws everyone in the family closer together. I also have already found myself helping others who needed a little "push" thinking about what they could do for their lost ones.

I think Dad would be pleasantly surprised.